Application for Membership in the 12 Disciples

(for my "Prayer at Tax Time": http://tcpc.blogs.com/musings/2005/04/a_prayer_at_tax.html)

(I scribbled this about 20 years ago while enduring a long and boring church meeting.  I found it this week in the course of looking for some old tax documents, so I'm copying it and sharing it with you.  I hope it lightens your mood as you fill out your 1040's:)

APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP IN THE 12 DISCIPLES

Name:   ________________first _____________nickname     bar ______________(father's name)

Address:  __________hut, shack, tent  ____________village  ____________ province  _________empire

Occupation:  __bass fishing  __catfish fishing  __tilapia fishing  __walleye fishing  __tax-collecting  __banditry  __carpentry (houses, furniture)  __carpentry (crosses)  __farming  _____other

Class:  __desperately poor  __dirt poor __poor  __poor but proud

Ethnicity:   __Jew   __Gentile

Family Status - check or fill all that apply:

__married, one wife   __married, two wives  __married, 3 or more wives  __eldest brother  __2nd or lesser brother  __mother still living and kvetching that you don't come home often enough   __ # of children

Do you keep kosher?  __yes  __ no    If yes, really? __yes  __no

Hobbies:   __fishing   __other

Political Affiliation:   __Pharisee   __Sadducee   __Zealot    If Zealot, which faction?  __People's Front for the Liberation of Israel  __Front for the People's Liberation of Israel  __Revolutionary People's Front for the Liberation of Israel  __Front for the Revolutionary Liberation of Israel  __Peasant's Front for the Salvation of Israel  __Peasant's Party for the Violent Overthrow of the Roman Empire  __other faction

Medical Status:   __lame  __blind  __leper  __resurrected   __demon-possessed   ___________other

Education:  __Bar Mitzvah  __Hanging out in synagogue/temple  __School of hard knocks   _______other

Have you ever been someone else's disciple?  __yes  __no

        If yes, reason for defecting: ___________________________

Have you ever loved your enemies before?  __yes   __no  __are you crazy?  __am willing to try

Have you ever performed any of the following miracles:

__walking on water  __ healing lepers  __healing the blind  __turning water into wine  __multiplying loaves/fishes  __resurrecting dead people  __pulling money out of fishes' mouths __no, but am willing to try any/all of the above

Ever offered forgiveness to someone who harmed you?  __yes  __no  __I still hate that @*!)**?!!@   __am willing to try to forgive

Have you ever been persecuted for righteousness' sake?  __yes  __no    If yes, describe persecution:______________________  Are you ready for more?  __yes  __no

Do you have transportation:  __sandals  __walking stick __camel  __ox  __ass  __boat

Are you literate? __yes   __no  __kinda

         If not, provide name and address of person who assisted you in filling out this form: ________________________

Please deliver this completed form to: Simon, aka "Peter", Director of Personnel and Recruitment.