A Word for Young Men
Dear young male friends:
I’m here to share some insights gained in my 71 years of being a white male heterosexual American, advice that is the product of lessons I’ve learned, in many cases, the hard way.
I am good with being who I am. I’m here to offer suggestions that might help you be good with who you are, too, in ways that are good for you and for those around you. Because there’s a lot of toxic rhetoric floating around us these days, messages that uphold your sense of self by tearing down the sense of self of other people.
There’s another way.
A major reason I’m good with who I am is that I feel better when I let other people be good with who they are. I don’t need to belittle or demean them so that I can have pride in myself.
Neither do you.
Sure, there are folks who dis whiteness, maleness, and American-ness. So what? Their attitudes don’t change anything about me. I have no need to take their bait. I can silently acknowledge them, and then move on with a dignified demeanor. My response is to be a straight white male American who is humble and kind.
Other people are just that: others. And I try hard to remember that. I don’t want others to assume that I am exactly like them. So why would I expect others to be just like I am? While we can get to know people really well, there are always mysteries about them. And that’s a pretty cool thing! People are full of surprises. So the less we judge others, the more we can discover and enjoy about them. When I was a young guy, I thought that gay people were weirdos, and that gay sex was gross and wrong. Then I discovered that one of my best friends was gay. When he told me, it took me about half an hour to process this revelation as I sat there with him. I felt like somebody had sawed open my skull and reached in to re-arrange my brain cells! I realized that if such a good person could be gay, then gay must be okay. I didn’t understand it fully. I could not relate to being attracted to a person of the same sexual orientation as myself. But just because it was mysterious to me, that didn’t mean I should oppose it. I’ve been a strong supporter of LGBTQI+ rights ever since. So if you’re gay, be gay, and if you’re trans, be trans – let’s let people be whoever they see themselves to be, and let’s live with the mystery of it all. Your identity doesn’t threaten mine!
Because manhood is defining myself by what I am, and not by what I’m not.
I’m good with being a religious person. I made the choice to follow Jesus when I was 16 years old, and I’ve never looked back, even as my understanding of my Christian faith has gone through changes over the years. I experience God as the unconditional love that Jesus practiced and preached. This love is bigger than my religion or any other. It makes room for other faiths to be as good for others as my faith is good for me. It makes room for my religion to be good despite the many imperfections in Christian dogma and history. Divine love moves me to be kind and forgiving and patient, and to do my part in working for justice and peace in the world. My religion prevents me from claiming that it is the only true path! I am a Christian who doesn’t think everybody else ought to be a Christian. But I do urge you to find a spiritual practice and a spiritually-centered community that will help you live a deeper, richer, more fulfilling life.
I aim to be a man like Jesus: strong and brave, gentle and compassionate, spiritually awake. The power of Jesus was in his humility. He practiced and preached that the greatest person is the one who is the servant to all the rest.
As a heterosexual male, I’ve learned a lot about what it means to respect women. Much of it was learned by experiencing the consequences of my failures to be respectful. I’ve learned that I’m responsible for my own sexual gratification. It’s not any woman’s job to provide me with sexual fulfillment. Getting this straight is the beginning of having a healthy relationship in which the couple seeks what is best for each other with genuine curiosity and patience and careful listening. A long conversation, with clothes on, is often the most delicious sexual foreplay. In the cultivation of healthy sexuality, fantasy is good so long as it does not get in the way of real relationships with real people who have real bodies with quirks and features that need to be cherished rather than negatively compared with unattainable images. Sex is wonderful so long as it is in the context of kindness and compassion and isn’t harmful, physically or emotionally, to the couple or those around them. Healthy, caring premarital sex can be a very good prelude to marital sex.
Having trouble finding an intimate partner? Take a break from indulging in sexual fantasies and practice conversing with people with whom you have no sexual interest. Ask them questions. When they answer, ask yet more open-ended questions reflecting your genuine curiosity. When they answer those questions, ask more. When they ask you questions, answer them honestly without getting long-winded. Then ask them more questions. Get good at having deep and meaningful conversations with all sorts of people. At some point, it will become natural – and it will be deeply satisfying. Do this a lot and you’ll be amazed at how much easier it will be to make a connection with a person to whom you are attracted. And when that relationship gets going, keep up the habit of being genuinely curious about what the other person is feeling and thinking… for the rest of your life!
In college I went to more beer bashes than I care to count, and I found these parties to be uniformly boring. “’Tsup? All good.” That was about as substantial as most encounters got. Then I tried something different, out of desperation. I would come up to people randomly and ask: “How is your soul?” And to my amazement, they would tell me! They would be so relieved to encounter someone who asked a deep, open-ended question and seemed genuinely interested in their answers. Immediately they gushed out their true thoughts and feelings. It was as if I had breached a dam holding them back. I have kept asking people that question ever since, and the profound encounters that have resulted have enriched my life immensely. May it be so for you!
Being manly means having the strength to be emotionally and spiritually vulnerable. My wife feels particularly close to me when I share my sadness and failures and weaknesses. It might seem contradictory, but it is true: my vulnerability is attractive to her. Now that doesn’t mean I should fake being vulnerable – she would see right through it. It just means that manhood makes room for revealing our mistakes and our disappointments and our wounds.
Manhood is enriched by a sense of humor. Not humor that comes at the expense of others, but rather a sense of humor that lifts up and celebrates the ironies in everyday life, that takes things lightly, that makes connections between things that we usually don’t think are related. Real men laugh a lot. Not at people, but with people.
Manhood requires self-awareness. It requires mindfulness of our inner lives, consciousness of our thoughts and emotions. Because what is unconscious within us has a way of controlling us in ways that harm ourselves and others. To be mindful means practicing the discipline of watching our inner experience without judgment and with compassion, so that when we know we’re angry, we will know to take a walk and breathe before responding. So that when we’re sad, we’ll notice it and take compassion on ourselves and seek out someone who will listen and care for us.
Men need friends in order to be fulfilled in their manhood. Not just buddies who share common interests, but real friends with whom they can share the truth of their hearts and give support to each other through thick and thin. Men need to take the time to cultivate such friendships, face to face, in person… not just on social media. Men need friendships with different kinds of people in order to see the world more richly and fully. Such friendship usually doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a long-term investment of time and a willingness to be vulnerable with each other. Join a community – a temple, a church, a community service group – where you can make good, solid friends.
Real men keep track of what is going on in the world, and take seriously their responsibility to make it a better place as active and engaged citizens. They follow reputable sources of information that are produced and vetted by professional journalists – not just the blogs or podcasts of individuals. I read The Economist magazine and the Los Angeles Times and listen to NPR for news: I watch very little television. I read the New Yorker and Atlantic Monthly magazines for excellent long-form stories about public affairs. I also sample disreputable media regularly just to know what others are seeing. I pay close attention to the difference between factual reporting and editorial opinions, and only follow news sources that make a clear distinction between the two. I strive to be skeptical of opinions – even of my own. The scientific community is organized skepticism that develops and self-corrects. But opinion based on isolated incidents is disorganized skepticism and generally goes nowhere. I go with science. I always vote, and I share with others how I’m voting, and I engage in respectful conversation about the candidates and issues. Politicians and parties are far from perfect. But I make the best choices I can, voting strategically for the most positive impact that is practically possible. I vote for a strong democracy and for the common good, understanding that free enterprise flourishes best when everyone has access to health care whether they can afford it or not, and when people are not at risk of hunger or homelessness. I’m a progressive patriot. I love America because here we engage together through our democracy to correct our country’s mistakes and solve its problems.
Keep yourself clean. Keep a tidy home. Wear decent clothes. Cook and eat healthy, natural food. Stay away from hard drugs and limit your intake of alcohol and weed. Go to the doctor and the dentist regularly. Spend a lot more time in activities that nurture your body and soul than you spend in front of any kind of screen. Take responsibility for your own actions and also for the wider community and world in which you live. Have outrageous fun, but be righteous about how you do it. Be righteous in your deeds, but maintain a sense of humor.
Most of all, be kind.
And with that, I wish you a wonderfully rich, fulfilling, and satisfying manhood!
Yours,
Jim Burklo